Funny Quotes


I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.


My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.


I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.


Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.


When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.


Bob: “Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.” Peter: “I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.” —Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space